Monday, June 24, 2013

Fireworks Pizza - AKA, the worst pepperoni on the planet

I love pizza.

Since the moment I first laid taste buds on the cornmeal crust of a Peter Piper Pizza, I knew that I'd never again love another food as much again. Mazzios, Coal Fire, Ledos, 2 Amy's, Comet Ping Pong, the list of pizzas I have trucked through my body is never ending.

From every childhood memory of happiness to a night hanging with friends, pizza has been there.

And I'm pretty much a pizza purist - cheese, sauce, crust - done.

Why mess with perfection? However I will dabble into the realms of red onion, pineapple and pepperoni.

A few nights ago, I decided to dabble with my favorite pizza friend... the pepperoni.

Guys, I was so excited you can't even imagine. See I have traveled across this greater DC Metro tasting pies from every pizza place I hear of, and while I know Fire Works out in Arlington, VA has been here for a while, it was my first opportunity. I had heard great things.

They had a great wine selection, a great beer selection, and as I could tell by the 20 sorority girls, two-fisting wine glasses, a table over from JR and I, a sizable amount of sangria somewhere in the back.

We ordered garlic knots to start, and as I dipped the garlicky deliciousness into the marinara sauce, my nose tickled with glee, my taste-buds were anticipating the glorious eruption of pure happiness. I carried the doused knot to my mouth and chomped with the ferocity of a velociraptor in Jurassic Park.




The marinara sauce was enough to make me want to hurl myself into a pool of my own vomit. Seriously, because that would have been a welcome relief from the crap they clearly poured out of a bottle. If they don't pour it out of a bottle, their cook should be fired.

I was horribly disappointed. I had been waiting for Fire Works all day. JR had promised we could have pizza that night, and I always enjoy trying new places, and I always enjoy trying new pizza! Not this pizza.

Never again, this pizza.

You see, my pizza wasn't much better than the garlic knots. It wasn't the crust that made me unhappy, or even the overly disgusting sauce, or even the sweet gooey mozzarella sliding like leprechauns on rainbows of happiness that offended me. It was my pepperonis.

I have never met a pepperoni that I didn't like. I love sweet or spicy or bland or exciting or salty. I love them all.

But hammy?

Don't get me wrong. I'm thoroughly aware that pepperoni comes from a pig, but when was the last time you put a pepperoni in your mouth and thought Ham and Cheese Sandwich!

I was literally eating a ham and cheese sandwich and there is NOTHING on this world aside from spiders and ketchup that I despise as much as ham. I hate the smell. I hate the texture. I hate the concept. I hate, hate, hate it.

I love bacon. I love pepperonis. I hate ham. Sue me.

The presentation was lovely, but the product was... disgusting and overall horribly disappointing.

Next time someone asks for a pizza recommendation in Arlington, I'm going to send them to Ledo's.  They have a delivery only location in South Arlington! MADE MY YEAR! I can never move again! Want their number? Here! 703-521-5336 - Ledos S. Arlington, delivery only. Five stars for them! 

0 stars for Fire Works. In fact. Fire Works was so bad they get a black hole. A black hole of unhappiness. 

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